In June 2013, I wrote this intending to submit it to a certain website as one of their popular “lists.” That process turned out to be a huge “We’ll take your idea and change it enough that it no longer resembles what you wanted it to be and is therefore ours and you’ll get a little money for giving us the idea and doing the work.” So forget it, here it is as I feel it should be. Me, the one who came up it and then wrote it. Enjoy.

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6 Incredibly Common Things Movies Have Made You Irrationally Afraid Of

Movies are arguably the best form of entertainment we humans can use to escape the monotony of our wretchedly boring and repetitive lives. And though we secretly love the repetition, some ideas that movies have spawned permanently scar our fragile psyches and as a result of being entertained by them, we are scared to do things that we have literally done every single day of our lives up until that point. It’s almost as if we believe that just KNOWING ABOUT a scary story lets that made-up ghost or axe-murderer somehow manifest itself and find you. It’s the same reason that we lock our doors and windows when we watch America’s Most Wanted – we know the escaped criminals don’t know who we are, and they can’t possibly know that we are watching their story on tv, but we still feel better knowing the porch light is on. ‘Cause that’ll stop ’em.

HURRY!!! Lock it before someone invisible and imaginary shoves it open!!
(Source: mydeathspace.com )

6.) Cars

You have been in cars since before you were born. Heck, you were probably conceived in one! But then you just HAD to watch Christine, and now you think your Civic is jealous of your date.

She’s hot.
(Source: stephenking.wikia.com )

Or maybe you think that every murderer you’ve ever heard a story about is hiding in your back seat with an axe, a la Urban Legend. That one, actually, you should maybe check on…

But come on. Cars themselves don’t have a mind of their own, do they? They can’t possibly develop their own thoughts and personalities, and start acting under their own will… right?

Thanks to Maximum Overdrive, movie-goers are even afraid of our electric toothbrushes.

Ok, I promise I won’t use you to download any Metallica!

5.) Children

Orphan may not have technically been about an evil child, just like Poltergeist and The Exorcist, among several others, were actually about good kids who were unfortunate enough to be possessed by misbehaved, rambunctious demons. But that doesn’t make us any less afraid when a stranger’s child is staring at us from the grocery cart shaped like a race car.

You’ll still be able to see this when you close your eyes.
(Source: Photobucket.com )

What could be worse than a creepy staring child?
More than one of them.

Oh, eff THESE costumes.
(Source: farm4.staticflickr.com )

That’s why Village of the Damned is so rightfully horrifying. An entire town of humans giving birth to dozens of evil alien children? While a very American storyline, that’s one too many unsettling concepts! Generally, you can scare a kid into submission with a stern look or a well-placed expletive, but when you’re out-numbered, the rules change and you’re pretty much screwed.

“You must be our new teacher. Our old one is….gone.”
(Source: flickr )

4.) Mirrors

Besides the obvious film for this one, Mirrors, where Kiefer Sutherland can’t stand the sight of his own reflection, there are a crap-heap of movies that have made us want to cover all of our mirrors, or at the very least bury them in our backyards in welded-shut metal boxes surrounded by garlic. These movies are especially hard to watch for those of us who live in Los Angeles, where staring at our own reflections occupies the better part of our day.
But films like Poltergeist 3 take the mirror fear to a ridiculous level. You start noticing how anything that’s remotely smooth casts reflections, which leads you to believe there is NOWHERE you can hide from horrible, horrible death, except the one place where there are NO mirrors: the bathroom at the Shell station. And isn’t being in that hiding place worse than just being slaughtered by some mirror demon?

Mary Poppins may not have been classified as a horror movie, but this scene is seriously effing disturbing.
(Source: static.tvtropes.org )

Speaking of bathrooms…

3.) Bathrooms

If you’ve never had an irrational fear of the bathroom, you probably didn’t see Psycho as a kid. Or maybe you also missed the boat on the horrors that are Candyman. If you’re also afraid of bees (or if you are a male), then saddle up:

*Watch the Candyman bathroom scene on someone else’s TV*

Speaking of bugs, who doesn’t love the scene in Squirm where worms come sliding out of the shower head and fall into a pile in the tub?

Even worms can’t resist the fruity scent of new Tressienne Shampoo!
(Source: gonewiththetwins.com )

To make matters worse, Freddy Krueger had to go and stick his claws all up in the tub! Thanks, Hollywood. Now we can’t shower OR take a bath without imagining all the different ways we can be mutilated.

So, you said you wanted me to leave a “runway,” right?
(Source: gallery.roborooter.com )

Or, if you prefer, you can always just imagine Harrison Ford drowning you.
(Source: blogspot)

If you’re reading this, you were probably just a kid when you saw The Shining, and baths were already something you dreaded. The last thing our mothers needed was for our dads to show us the woman in Room 237. Not only were we afraid to go in there without a cat that could smell danger and therefore warn us of impending demons, but now we also had to run as fast as we could from the bathroom – once even slamming our heads onto the bottom of the top bunk bed as we leaped toward the “safety” of our Little Mermaid blankets.
…No? That didn’t happen to everybody?

2.) Touching The Ground

This is a level up from playing “Hot Lava,” where you have to jump from the couch to the loveseat without touching the carpet or you “burn to death in lava.” We’re talking grown-up, baffling fear of the Earth itself opening up and releasing unreasonable zombies or giant eff-off worm monsters upon our tiny, girlish ankles.

Come on, who hasn’t wanted to do this to an upstairs neighbor who seems to enjoy brick-tossing?
(Source: staticflickr.com )

Tremors may have been a hilarious ode to Kevin Bacon’s flared nostrils, but thanks to that lovely film series, many of us can no longer step out of a car without considering the possibility of being swallowed whole by some saw-tooth-throated radioactive desert worm…

…or perhaps an undead insurance salesman wishes to tell us about how much we can save if we just let him feed off of our frontal lobe?

I’d just like to talk to you about the word of God… whom I’ve just spoken to, as it so happens…
(Source: blogspot.com )

If your name is Barbara, chances are you probably don’t wander into cemeteries with your new boyfriends anymore.

1.) Your Own Head

Ok, being afraid of things that are out of your control is one thing – so Starbucks is all out of Coconut Syrup until next summer, that’s fine. But then Hollywood plants the lovely little seed in your head that you might have a different personality in your head that wants to kill your loved ones while you sleep? Well, that’s crossing the line!! If you’re lucky, the killer inside you will be an old imaginary friend you can hang with, like in Playroom.

One can hope that your homicidal personality will at least be a better dresser than you.
(Source: wordpress.com)

You can’t even go to sleep, because then your brain REALLY takes over, and you can be killed by our aforementioned pal Freddy!

Ok, that’s your bedtime story! Lights out!

Here are some of the shows booked out so far:

*ENGLAND*
*Mirth Control* – at Cameo Nightclub in Bournemouth, United Kingdom – Saturday 22 August
*IRELAND*
*Unhinged Comedy Club* at Ha’Penny Bridge Inn  – Dublin, Ireland –  Sunday 23 August
*Roisin Dubh* – Galway, Ireland – Tuesday 25 August
*LOL @ Anseo* – Dublin, Ireland – Wednesday 26 August
*Dew Drop Inn* – Galway, Ireland – Thursday 27 August
*ENGLAND AGAIN*
*Raconteurs* at the Oak & Pastor  – London, England – Wednesday 2 September                               *T-Bird Comedy Club* –  London, UK – Friday 4 September
*The View, Everton* – Liverpool, UK – Friday, 11 September
*IRELAND AGAIN*
*LOL @ Anseo* – Dublin, Ireland – Tuesday, 15 September
*Spirit Store* – Dundalk, Ireland – Saturday, 19 September
*Half-Cut Comedy* – Waterford, Ireland – Thursday, 24 September

There were many more shows added to this list as the tour grew closer, and we hope to arrange another tour again in a year or so, expanding to include cities in Scotland, Finland and France! What a great experience, and we made so many new friends!

I apologize for the relative silence the past few months…
I am mourning the loss of my life’s best, truest friend – my 18 year old cat, Kiki. She was born on my twelfth birthday, and we shared a love that left others reverent, through to the day she died and forever. It was a rocky road to the somewhat abrupt end of her little path, but she couldn’t have had a more peaceful and comfortable transition, which came naturally at our home, surrounded by love.

I have been inconsolable. However, inactivity is unbearable as well, since it forces us to be alone with our thoughts, so I have been very active in the way of working.
I was fortunate to be brought back for year #4 at the Grammy Awards with MasterCard, and as an additional pleasure I distributed Grammy gift bags for American Express as well!
Several princess and Marilyn events have funneled through recent months, but even now it’s hard to remember what has transpired. It’s all been a blur since our final week with Kiki, when her health took such a steep dive.
She has been the axis of my entire world since before I was even a teenager, so without her I have just been reeling…

Time.
In time I will be back full force, but until that time comes, I am staying busy and allowing a respectful, necessary margin of reflection and gratitude for the wonderful, love-rich eighteen years I shared with my little Kiki baby.

Right off the bat, I wanna throw this out there:

I WANT TO BE IN QUENTIN TARANTINO’S NEW FILM “THE HATEFUL EIGHT.”

Ok, now that THAT’S out of the way, hey look it’s the holiday season!

Black Friday is mere days away, so celebrate while you’re doing your stretches by watching the 2:34 video John and I made about it! It’s a comedic little song starring The Snow Queen and a typical Wal*Mart shopper to the tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

I had a great time as an icy queen at the charity marathon for OC Cares and Waste Not OC! It’s a great cause and a concept that should really be a standard practice worldwide, but it has to start somewhere so here we are at the beginning of a better world. Check out Waste Not OC’s website and OC Cares for more info!

If you’re looking to spice up your turkey day this year, try the Contact form! I have some great ideas to offer!
Starting with this:

Are you a “Bob’s Burgers” fan? Call me and Louise and Tina will be at your Thanksgiving dinner to serve your family inappropriately! If you REALLY need to seduce a strange southern woman, we’ll even be your pretend family! No white over-alls, though. And no Best Kid tickets needed!

Throwing a Christmas party at work? Want to make your company President blush? Why not invite Marilyn Monroe to sing to him in front of everybody? Then she can mingle around and take photos with all of your co-workers – it will be an unforgettable night! And not just because you Xeroxed your butt.

Your party is at your home, you say? Unwrap the gift of GOLDiE from “Laugh-In”! She’ll even run your White Elephant gift exchange… if she can figure out how it works.

Will there be lots of children at your holiday gathering? Well, if you don’t want to hear THEM singing “Let It Go” thirty-four times, invite the Snow Queen herself to sing it! Once! Then she’ll entertain the little ones for a while so you can catch up on all of the latest with Aunt Fanny and the squirrels in her yard.

If you’re having a hard time deciding between all of these super-entertaining and brilliant ideas, then don’t fret – you can pick more than one! So… see you soon, yeah??

I got a haircut and went strawberry!

Ok, now that that’s out of the way:

The end of 2014 is shaping up to be a little bit INSANE, so try to keep up!

I have started lapping myself and RE-visiting some of my favorite princess birthday families! That’s so much fun! It is an undeniable perk to get to meet the kids at their birthday parties, and THEN see how much they’ve grown up a year later!! There is no better job anywhere ever!! If you haven’t made one of your family’s little ones’ birthday super-unforgettable with a “celebrity appearance” yet, I HIGHLY recommend you check out Once Upon A Time Character Company‘s list of characters! Trust me, this is absolute MAGIC!

I am also fortunate enough to be working with Corporate Kids on their latest charity event the WHOLE weekend of October 10th! This group steps up across the GLOBE and brings kids together who share common obstacles and they basically create the best weekend-camp they can imagine! I am so, so excited to be a part of this!

I got to “work” at San Diego Comic-Con this year, too, promoting Yahoo! Screen and the hit show Community! It was my second time at Comic-Con, and I always, always enjoy being there!! This time I also got to have FREE SubWay Sandwiches and drinks and chips, as they were giving this away FREE for 4 hours to celebrate Community coming back for a new season!!! SDCC is basically a giant party for everyone within a ten block radius.

I got to work with Nick Cannon, Julianne Hough and Angelique Bates (along with Samsung) at the Dlby Theatre this month, and we BROKE A GUINNESS WORLD RECORD! Ok, so it was just the record for most selfies taken in an hour, but hey – we did it! History made!

Reserve Saturday, November 8th on your calendars, you’re going to be at Angel Stadium in Orange, CA!!! This year’s charity baseball game is going to be even more fun than last year’s! Exclusive access to everything from the locker rooms to the VIP lounges, food catered by Katella Family Grill, see baseball legends on and off the field, the National Anthem sung by yours truly… This is a GREAT TIME to spend with your whole family, and it’ FREE!
Skip the big league crowds, sit in the BEST SEATS!
You can JOIN THE EVENT on facebook for all the details!

Don’t forget to book your holiday parties’ entertainment, too!
I’m thinking Marilyn can be a kitty cat this year for Halloween… Trick or Treat?
Need someone to inappropriately serve the dishes to your Thanksgiving table, or to be your pretend family? May I suggest Louise & Tina Belcher from “Bob’s Burgers”?
And of course, “Laugh-In” Christmas Elf Goldie Hawn is available to help guide your guests through your White Elephant party, if she can just understand how it’s supposed to work!

As always, check-in at my Fan Page for all of the new pictures and character events!
As far as I know I have no comedy shows on the books at the moment, but give me a minute to catch my breath and I might notice one!!

Hey 2014, you just might be redeeming yourself :p Way to wait ’til the last minute, eh?!

…for you never know what will happen in the next one!

I’m still mourning Robin, and I have a few other people to go before I can even begin to comprehend Joan – Sorry, honey, take a number. I’m not ready to mourn you yet, because you’re STILL SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

RIP Robin Williams, my teacher Gregg Williams, Elaine Stritch, my other teacher’s son Joel, Lauren Bacall you-beautiful-thing-you, John’s grandma Doris, Don Pardo, Joan Rivers. So much light has been lost so quickly in this tail-end of 2014, I am not able to fully grasp it yet.
Then again I still get misty-eyed about Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett… and Dom DeLouise… and Jonathan Winters… so there is that.

I’d like to celebrate LIFE with all of you. For the rest of this bizarre year, let’s live it up and share new memories together! Being near those who you love (and of course, who love YOU right back!) is a gift, and any of of those we’ve lost would testify to that!

I hope to personally have the chance to bring smiles to your faces, whether it’s with comedy, improv, or character work… Here are some excuses to drag the aforementioned people you love to their dancing feet:
-Get another unforgettable night out of that princess dress you bought your little girl for Halloween and invite a *real princess* over for a Royal Ball with her whole class!
-Invite * Goldie * to be your Christmas Party Elf (like NONE other, I promise you – she’s also more than happy to emcee your White Elephant gift exchange, though she might not know what is going on…at all)!
-Wake your granddad on Christmas Day only to find * Marilyn Monroe * in his stocking!
-Celebrate your favorite shy-guy’s birthday with a surprise singing telegram of “Happy Birthday” in that oh-so-breathy voice that only Marilyn can quite pull off!

Being an actress, impersonator and a comedian is a lot of fun (a lot of WORK, too), but it really isn’t meaningful without an audience. As much fun as I can have WITH you, it’s not entertaining at ALL if I’m by myself, in my living room. It’s strange, truly. Without an event, without you lovely people, I am but a brush without paint. So I’d like to give a giant THANK YOU to those of you who have supported my constant studying and scouring and detailing and honing, by calling on me to do what I do best – entertain YOU!
Because we ALL need a laugh now more than ever with all of the recent losses, I am taking off $50 of the normal rates out of respect for those legends we’ve lost. Consider it the pouring out of a forty into the street, or whatever it is the kids are saying these days :p

Just click on “Contact” and I’ll be happy to hear from you 🙂